For the first half of your life, people tell you what you should do. For the second half, they tell you what you should have done.
- Richard Needham

You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
- Hy Gardner

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Joey Adams

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
- John Wagner

First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly.
- Branch Rickey

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
- Tom Wilson

As you get older, three things happen: The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
- Norman Wisdom

To me - old age is always ten years older than I am.
- John Burrough

Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?
- Bobby Kelton

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing Happy Birthday.
- Steven Wright

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
- Sam Ewing

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
- Tom Stoppard

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
- Maurice Chevalier

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Nobody's old anymore - they've just been around for a long time.
- Abigail Van Buren